And God Laughs
I’ve heard it said many times, but I never really got it until these last few weeks. We make plans, and God laughs.*
My plan was (mostly) to not have a plan. Back in January when I made this decision, here was my plan: Stay in the relationship I was in, sell my house, leave my job, work on a master’s, travel with one dog, for who knows how long, until I figured out my next step. Slowly but surely, God laughed and said, “Oh honey, just wait.”
The relationship ended.
Both dogs are coming with me.
And then… When some faculty at my alma mater, the University of Oregon School of Law, learned that I was wrapping up my practice and moving, they reached out and asked me to apply for a visiting professor position for the fall.
I have always wanted to teach. As a child, I thought I would teach ballet (I danced from age 4 until 16, and still do ballet off and on as time and my body allows). Every teacher I meet, I end up drilling them about what it’s like, how they got there, what schooling or certifications are needed. I did a yoga teacher training for a hot second. Even this master’s program was along these wanting-to-teach lines. The thought of researching and writing in a library and then working with young people talking about ideas gets me so fucking excited. (No, really.) In my mind, I thought I had to get a PhD in order to make this dream a reality. (I may have forgotten that I can teach with a JD…) When I told my best friend I was thinking about a master’s and a PhD, she was not surprised. “Sarah, you love school, this makes sense.” I know! And if I’m a professor, I get to be in school all the time!!
So when I get the request to ask me to apply, it was an easy decision. I was a full-body yes.
Once my application was in and after the interview was done, the doubt started to creep in. Was I just taking the safe route? Going back to something familiar because I’m scared to let myself explore? Scared to not have a plan? Scared to leave law, something I have finally admitted to myself that I’m good at? But I pushed the thoughts away. I may not get the job anyway, and then I could be happy either way.
Then on the Monday of my last week at my firm, I got a call from the Dean of Faculty. He offered me the one year contract. I felt in my entire body that this was what was right for me, right now. And I said yes. Without hesitation. He asked if I needed some time to think about it, and I said nope. I’m in. The thought of being back in that building, surrounded by these professors I admire and adore, in the energy, enthusiasm, and anxiety of the students, felt so right.
And then the shame storm came.** You told everyone you didn’t want to be a lawyer. Those who can’t do teach. Everyone is waiting for you to do this grand adventure and you’re already throwing in the towel. Why do you always take the safe route? Another anchor holding you down. You’re just scared to not have a plan. You’re never going to get out of Oregon. You said you wanted to go to the East Coast, this is what everyone is expecting. What is wrong with you? You’re letting everyone down.
I found myself Tuesday morning, in a full on panic attack, crying as I walked my dogs, because I had accepted a job I really wanted.
My mind is not a safe neighborhood for me to be in for long on my own. I knew I had to call someone, talk to someone other than the voices in my head. So I did. I called someone who told me everything I knew to be true but couldn’t get to on my own. This opportunity would not have come had I not cleared away the things that were no longer serving me. I’m not letting anyone down (and if I am, they probably aren’t my people). All that matters is that I trust myself and the Universe, and just see what happens.
And it’s true. When I made the decision on January 23, 2022, to sell my house and leave my career, it was because I trusted the Universe, and wanted to start practicing trusting myself. To trust the messages I was getting that where I was was not where I was supposed to be. The opportunity to teach is just that, another opportunity to practice trusting the Universe and trusting myself. To not ignore that full-body yes. To not let what “everyone” thinks get in the way of what I want to do. To stay curious, explore opportunities, and gather more information.
Right now, I know four things to be true:
I don’t want to practice law.
I don’t want to be in Portland.
I want to write.
I want to teach.
I also know that these four things are written in sand. They are true now, and may not always be true. And I will continue to practice staying curious and maybe add more truths to my list.
And now my plan looks a little different. I still will hit the road April 30th. I will travel for three months with my two dogs. I will continue writing this blog (even if my students will know way too much about me!). And come August, I will find myself in Eugene. (And no, I don’t know where I will live yet. I’m trusting it will all work out even with two dogs and no furniture….)
And I know my plan may change and shift a 100 different ways between now and then. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes shitty things just happen and it doesn’t have to mean anything. But/and when a door opens that I’ve always wanted to walk through, I’m going to put one foot in front of another, and see what happens.***
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* Google says this is a Woody Allen quote that is probably taken from a Yiddish proverb.
** Luckily, I’m in the middle of listening to Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and learned the term “shame storm” and what to do when you are in one. I highly recommend all of Brené Brown’s work.
*** And how do you know a blog may be written by a lawyer? Yep. Footnotes. You’re welcome.