Compass and a Map
I can’t quite believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted. But at the same time, I can.
On January 23, 2022, I made the decision to walk away from my very stable and safe life into the unknown. I had no real plan, but knew that if I didn’t do something, the life I was in would suffocate me.
Four months later, the Universe gave me a job teaching at the law school I graduated from 13 years earlier. I left my house and moved into my van to travel for three months, and then landed in Eugene, Oregon, to prep for my first semester of teaching legal research and writing to first year law students.
That semester is now almost over, and it has been both the longest and fastest four months. I am a good lawyer, but teaching how to write and think like a lawyer to students that know nothing about the law is a humbling experience. Explaining why it is lawyers do what we do, and how we do it, is so very different from just doing it. My students have been patient and kind with me, and have also worked their tails off and challenged me.
Holding space in a classroom of 17 students (yes, it’s a very small class; which both the students and I are grateful for) is so different than anything I have ever done before. I have argued in front of a panel of three judges, I have walked clients through the ins and outs of an estate plan hundreds of times. But holding space for 17 minds for an hour and 15 minutes, is a very different experience. And, admittedly, one that I really like. My Sun sign is Taurus, so I like stability and routine. But my Rising Sign is Leo, so I also like to be the center of attention. Nothing like being in the front of a classroom to scratch that itch twice a week! (More on this astrology obsession in later posts.)
My life is so very different than what it was a year ago. Different city. Different job. Different routine. Different community. It’s been a lot of change for this Taurus heart. And it’s overwhelming to think that so much change may happen again very soon. My contract is only 10 months. I would like to continue teaching, but have to find a place to do it. I’ve been applying, but so far, no such luck. So I find myself feeling a little lost, a little stuck, and entirely powerless.
But I have something now that I didn’t have last January. I have a destination. I don’t know if it’s a the destination I’ll stay at forever—I’ve given up on “forever”—but I know that it’s a “for now” destination. I have a compass and a map. And I’m trusting the Universe that when the time is ready, it will give me a direction to head in, a North Star. But for now, there is nothing to do but stay where I am and be present. Be present for my students. Be present for myself. Be present for those that have supported and helped me get here.
I can’t remember a time where I have been in a job and wanted to stay, or wanted to keep doing what I was doing. I found myself walking in the hallway of the faculty offices the other day and stopped myself. “What is this feeling?” I said to myself. “Oh! It’s good. I feel… good. That’s what this is.” It had been so long since I had felt that, it caught me off guard.
All of this—the job, the community, the love I have found—that are things to be grateful for. As much as this instability and uncertainty is uncomfortable, I have to remind myself that this is the right kind of uncomfortable.
So I have my compass and my map. And I will rest and ready myself for whatever comes next.