Both/And

The memory that kept coming up today was the sobbing phone call I made to my dear friend who is a doctor to ask her if all the symptoms I had been telling her over the last few months, symptoms that I believed to be lung cancer that had spread to the liver, stomach, and bladder, could instead be psoriasis of the liver from alcoholism. It was her hesitant yes that confirmed everything I had just heard from a woman I didn’t know was true and everything this man I loved had told me was a lie.

That phone call happened one year ago today. As I started to spin out about all of this when I was walking my dogs this morning, I called a friend to talk it through. I know I have to feel all this. It won’t help if I numb out by drinking, fucking, or over-working. I know I have to process all this. I know there is a lot of these ups and downs still to come. But I no longer believe I have to do it alone. All I have to do is pick up the phone and ask for help. Help is always there.

Since my last post in October, I started a new job that I love. I bought and moved into a house that feels like home. I put my toes into the dating pool. And have been loved and supported by my community and my found family. Don’t get me wrong… These have been a lot of transitions. Transitions on top of transitions. And yes, probably too many transitions too fast. (But by whose standards… who knows.) And it hasn’t been pretty.

But from where I’m sitting now? Life is pretty fucking good.

I was recently asked if I regret selling my house and moving away in 2022, to only end up back in Portland again. I don’t. That was someone else’s life. This one feels real, and true, and like its mine. And while I wouldn’t wish what I went through this last year on anyone, I don’t know how I get here without going through all that. I don’t know how I become willing to do the hard work of healing my wounds that came before this last year, without this last year. I don’t know how I find the people and community I am now apart of, without the heartbreak and healing of this last year. I don’t know whether I would believe that true love is possible, without feeling it with a man that was an alcoholic.

I have been dreading coming up on this anniversary. Coming up on the February 21 through March 21 timeframe… the time between when the lies came out and when the police told me he was gone. A year feels both far too short and far too long.

But today I was very present to the both/and. I both wish none of this had happened and I’m grateful for where I am today. I both wish he had never died and grateful that his suffering is over. I both miss him terribly and am so mad at him for all the pain he caused. All of this is true. It’s not either or. It’s both/and.