Grief

I have been drafting this post in my head for weeks, probably months now. Grief is a strange beast. All encompassing at the beginning. Then it slowly loosens its shackles. Then something shifts enough to make you think that maybe the worst is over. And then, out of no where, it swoops down and kicks the shit out of you. At least, that has been my experience.

It is also exhausting. I have always had a very full life. Full of work, organizations I support, activities I engage in, friends and boyfriends that I dedicated significant time to. That has not been the case these last six months. (Six months feels both like a very short amount of time and so very long.) I have had no capacity for anything beyond the basics, which has meant work and caring for my pups.

But I made a promise to myself early on. When someone I trusted asked me to do something, I would say yes. Otherwise, the isolation and depression may have taken over. And as exhausted as I was, I didn’t want to go there. But even with all that, things did get dark. Very dark. But I’m still here. I’m still sober.

And I have pretty amazing friends. By saying yes to people I trust, I had a pretty amazing summer.

I went to drag brunch to celebrate the beauty and strength of drag queens, and the passing of Portland’s legendary Darcelle.

I threw myself a 40th birthday party, where I asked friends to give me either their favorite books or a house plant.

I went to the Oregon Country Fair for the first time. (And failed miserably to take many photos.)

I went backpacking in the Olympic National Park.

I went to my first concert at Edgefiled, although the smoke from fires made it a less than ideal experience.

I went to a Janelle Monáe concert. She was incredible.

I went to Newport for a lawyer recovery retreat, and got to ride in my friend’s tiny airplane, and snuggle my friend’s 12 week old baby.

I went to Corvallis to visit my best friend, and her tiny dog made her home in my lap.

And no, I wasn’t always happy in any of these places. I cried a lot. I was still pretty miserable. But I was with people that just let me be where I was, didn’t try to fix anything, and they just loved me as I was, as I am.

I don’t know what comes next. I have a job for another year with the Federal District Court of Oregon. I have some call back interviews for teaching positions. But I don’t really know what I want to do or where I want to live. I see some paths forward, but none of them are calling out strongly. So I am in the waiting. Sitting with so much uncertainty and it is fucking uncomfortable.

And dating? I tried. Even thought I met someone that had “forever” potential. But the Universe intervened. And I now know to trust that the Universe knows better than I do. I’m not ready. I am 40 and just starting to uncover who I am. To remember who I am. And I need to spend some time with me. And when a man is around, especially a handsome one, I don’t pay attention to me. So right now, it’s just me and the pups, and my amazing community of friends and family. So while I’m on my own, I’m not alone. (Though, fuck, this is also horribly uncomfortable and extremely difficult to remember.)

So I guess this is my update. I want to write more, but I’m not going to make any promises I don’t know I can keep. But I’m here. I’m sober. I appreciate every message, phone call, and request for coffee. And I’ll keep on keeping on, one day at a time.