It’s inevitable.

In her book, You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero explains that when you start getting serious about living life on your own terms, the Universe will inevitably step in and throw a disaster in your way. She warns you not to take this as a sign that you are on the wrong path, only that the Universe is saying, “Oh yeah? You sure you really want this? Well, let’s see.” And then BAM! Something real shitty and big happens.

I don’t know if this is the last “BAM!” I’ll experience on my way to this journey, but fuck it’s thrown me for a loop. These last two weeks I have been simply amazed at how easy everything has felt. Everything was coming together so seamlessly. Friends were coming out to help in ways they could, the furniture I needed to sell was going to homes that needed it, the projects that had been so hard to get done started wrapping up. I was feeling so supported and loved by my friends and my sweetheart.

Then, in a matter of hours, the relationship with this sweetheart came suddenly, excruciatingly, and heartbreakingly to an end. And in a way that has shook my faith in men, my faith in myself to be able trust myself to know when a relationship is safe or not, and I can’t shake the feeling that I somehow deserve this pain and heartbreak, or that I should have seen it coming somehow. Right now, the pain is raw, fresh, and complicated.

And, it’s true, he was not going with me on this adventure. We had not quite figured out what was going to happen, and yes, the relationship was still relatively new. But I’m a romantic, and I fall hard. And this guy showed up in all the right ways, said all the right things, and made me feel comfortable, confident, and free. It felt like the sort of relationship I had heard could exist, but had never experienced myself. And while he wasn’t going to be coming with me, I felt stronger and safer with him by my side. (And yes, the feminist in me HATES that.)

And now that pillar is gone. (And I don’t know if it’s gone forever, but it has been irreparably shifted and will never be what it once was.) And I feel alone. And scared. And unsure if I can do this on my own.

But I will. Right now, the house is getting painted, so we all decided to do a test run of what life will look like in a few months. Zuki is testing it out at my friend’s eight acres in Washington (things with the cat are not going well… turns out the combination of a deaf dog and a hissing cat is not awesome). And George and I are in the van at my other friend’s house. And it feels right. It feels like home. I know adventure awaits me out there. And even if I’m on my own, as the brilliant Stephen Sondheim says, no one is alone. And maybe the Universe needed to make sure I had no attachments as I hit the road and see what lies ahead. I don’t know. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Because fuck that. But I do believe the Universe doesn’t throw anything at you can’t handle.

So if this is a test, and the Universe is asking, “Sarah, you really want to do this?” The answer is a resounding, “Fuck yeah, I do.”