Time.
I am not a patient person. I want to KNOW what will happen. I want an answer. I want a decision to be made, be done, move on.
But most of the time? There isn’t an answer. We don’t know what happens next. We have to sit with the unknowing. And it’s uncomfortable.
When I first got sober, one of the hardest things was the feelings. When you don’t numb them with alcohol, there are SO MANY FEELINGS. All the fucking time. It’s still one of the hardest parts of being sober. In her book Untamed (which I highly recommend) Glennon Doyle talks about a person who told her on her 6th day of sobriety, that feelings are meant to be felt. It’s not a sign that you’re doing life wrong, it’s a sign that you’re doing life right.
Who the fuck knew? I mean, seriously. Glennon goes on to say that she thought she was supposed to feel happy, and that all the other feelings were meant to be fixed. That’s what society teaches us, capitalism banks on. That we have to fix the other feelings with stuff, that there is something wrong with us because we aren’t happy all the time. But here’s the thing. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH US. We aren’t broken. Being human is complicated. Interacting with other humans is even more complicated. There are expectations, fears, anxieties. And also belly laughs, joy, light kisses on a cheek, and warm hugs. Being human includes all the things.
But all the things take time. It takes time to develop a friendship, a relationship, a skill. As much as I try, I can’t rush or force it. (And believe me, I try.) As I’m rushing to sell my house, wrap up my law practice, rid myself of all my possessions, and take care of my heart, I realized something. I was running myself RAGGED. I am not allowing any time. No time to grieve this life I’m leaving, time to feel the gratitude and amazement for all that I’ve done and built, time to wonder and dream about what may come next. No space to breath, to feel, to be.
It all takes time. No need to rush. I have the rest of my life to figure out what comes next. I knew this was the right decision the second I made it. But there are plenty of micro-decisions in the meantime. And I need to give myself space to sit, to feel, to be.