Jewels of Wisdom

I have been going to my 6 am AA meetings on Zoom almost everyday. Today, I couldn’t quite get my ass out of bed, so decided to go to the 7 am one instead. This meeting is still on Zoom, so I’m still attending in my pajamas. My own coffee in my own mug, instead of the too strong or too weak coffee in a styrofoam cup.

I started going to these daily meetings again, not because I was worried I was going to relapse and start drinking, but because I have been feeling so discombobulated by all these changes. Yes, other than one change, I fully appreciate that these are changes I instigated. I am the one who decided to sell my house, move into a van, find a temporary home for one dog, and wrap up my law practice. And, just for good measure, I got dumped in the middle of all that. So, yes, a lot of change.

And the more I sit with the changes I chose to make, the more I know they are the right choice for me, but/and they are scary and go against everything I’ve ever been taught or told. As I sell my house in Portland, Oregon, I have to wonder if I will ever be able to afford a house in Portland again. I am purposefully making myself houseless in a city with a housing crisis. To live in a van, if I’m lucky, down by a river. I have never not had a job. And I am voluntarily leaving a well paying, successful career, at a firm I love and respect. With no job on the other side. No income. No employer paid health insurance. By all accounts, I have lost my mind. And this training, this way of living one’s life, is deeply engrained in my bones. I am struggling to keep myself moving on this path, not because I don’t want to do it, but because it goes against everything I have ever done before or ever been told to do.

And then at my 7 am meeting this morning, that I wasn’t supposed to be at, I heard two jewels of wisdom that finally allowed my shoulders to relax and to, once again, trust the Universe that I am on the right path. Someone shared that she had spent a lifetime saying the words and going through the motions because she were scared and couldn’t stand up for herself, but that now she allowed herself to be herself. That hit me HARD. I am in my current life, in part, because did not trust myself enough to explore what was possible for me. I now trust myself. I now trust that there is a power greater than myself looking out for me, standing beside me, and guiding me. And I trust that once I give myself time and space to feel, think, and just be, I’ll know what the next right thing will be.

Then someone shared that her current day was full enough that she felt useful, with enough space to feel rested.

Let’s say that again: A day full enough to feel useful, with enough space to feel rested. When was the last time you had that? When was the last time any of us had that?

That is not what our society, culture, or capitalism demands of us. Our society demands bigger, better, faster! “Busy” is the new cool. Even during a pandemic and now another war, we are expected to just keep producing, to keep working. Even if we have a passion—even a creative passion—the passion is supposed to save the world, make you money, and be what you live and breathe 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I don’t want that. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to grind. I can’t grind anymore. I want to have a day full enough to be useful, with enough space to feel rested. I want to be a part of a community and culture that wants that for me, that wants that for us. A community that allows us to breath, to support each other, and to rest.

I have a feeling to find that, I will continually have to go against my training, to go against what I’ve been taught and told to do. But maybe by doing so, we call can ease a little tension in our shoulders, take a deep belly breath, and go for a walk in the woods.