February 2022 Recap
Here’s the thing about time: It just keeps moving, whether you want it to or not.
“What do you mean?” I hear you ask. “You must want time to move super fast so you can hit the road!”
Yes, and no. I know this is the right decision for me for right now. The way the Universe is aligning and gracing me with opportunities and helping me make this happen confirms this. But… Man February kicked the shit out of me. So here is a not-so-brief recap of this month.
Pups anxiously wondering what the heck momma is doing.
The House
With the help of an amazing real estate agent (thank you, Robin! (seriously, if you are buying or selling a house in the Portland-Metro area, she’s the best) and amazing friends and a-not-so-amazing ex, I was able to get the house on the market this last weekend. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of tears, and a lot of heavy lifting. The best part? Trying to stuff a Lovesac (a giant, adult, bean-bag chair/sofa thing) down stairs and through doorways). But the house got on the market and we had a great turn out for the showing this weekend.
Stuffing the Lovesac
This was only the beginning….
My Heart
My heart got broken. I’m not in a place to share what happened. As Glennon Doyle says, we write from our scars and not our wounds. This is most definitely an open wound. There are lessons for me to learn, and I’m starting to realize some of them (kicking and screaming). I’ve always prided myself on how easily I love and how I always see the best in people, and I hope that I will keep a part of that. But I think it’ll be a while time before I allow myself to trust again. And that breaks my heart more than anything.
My Recovery
Because this month kicked the shit out of me, like a good alcoholic in active recovery, I went back to basics, and started going to my 6 am AA meeting every morning. A good thing that came out of the pandemic is that AA became way more accessible over Zoom (maybe it always was, but not in ways that I knew about). And while the dogs (and my own sleepy-butt) would make it difficult to get myself to an in-person AA meeting at 6 am, Zoom makes it magically happen. I used to go to this meeting at the early part of the pandemic, and I’m so glad I’ve gone back. There is so much wisdom and love in that room. It has been a grounding way to start my day. Here are some gems I picked up this month:
I was a “tears in the beers” kind of drunk (this was totally me!).
I’ve been here long enough to know I haven’t been here long enough.
There are miracles everywhere, you just have to bend over and pick them up.
Avoid the deliberate manufacturing of your own misery.
Nothing good comes from negative self talk; put down the stick and stop beating yourself up.
Flattery is great, just don’t inhale.
In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.
I am because we are.
The Van / Travel
I got to spend some quality time in the van this month and learned a lot. First lesson: The packing and storage that works for a weekend away, is going to drive me nuts once I’m living in it. For example, I usually keep my clothes in packing cubes. Great when it’s few days! But if it’s long term, I want something more akin to “drawers” so I know where things are and so that everything has it’s place. I found some amazing storage baskets and bins at Fred Meyer and some on Amazon.
I spent the last weekend of February at Fort Stevens near Astoria, Oregon, to get the dogs and me out of the house for as many showings as we could. And it was a test run to see if we could make it work with Zuki in the van. As I thought, this weekend confirmed that—as much as I love her—I will go nuts if it’s the three of us . First, it is the wrong layout for that many bodies. I’ve learned a lot with this van, and this is not the build I would do ever again (and, just so you don’t think I’m cooler than I am, I didn’t build it, I bought it already built). There isn’t enough floor space for one person and two 45-55 pound dogs. Second, Zuki is old, food obsessed, super stubborn, and really smart. She is forever hopeful that there is food everywhere, and will do anything to get it. And now she can’t hear me tell her to stop it. Not a great combination in a small space where storage is at a premium. And three, I need a good night’s sleep. And two dogs and me in the bed just ain’t gonna work! But, thankfully, I think I have a good spot for her to land. And I’ll come back for her as soon as I put down roots.
And finally: My toilet. A good lesson in do research and then make a purchase (I learned this with my damn water heater too, but that’s a story for another day). I normally have a cassette toilet, which is great, but I couldn’t figure out how I would clean it on the road. So I opted for a composting toilet. It came, and I was SO EXCITED! Only to realize, FUCK, it needs to be vented… Maybe? There is no way to vent it in my van build, so we are going to give it a try with no venting. I may hate myself later. But what’s a little adventure without some experimenting!
Nature’s Head, in all it’s glory
This may be a terrible, terrible idea. But I’m excited anyway.
Master’s Program
I finished my Introduction to Public Policy and Administration class this week, which means I survived my first class of this Master’s program. This week we start Legal Issues in Public Administration, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t phone it in just because it’s a law class. I need to set my ego aside, and approach with a beginner’s mind. (And be grateful that I’m well practiced in reading cases!).
Next time I start a Master’s program, remind me not to sell my house, quit my job, and get my heartbroken all at the same time.
And so….
This has been a hell of a month. And still… It’s amazing to look back at where I was, and where I am now. I started February grounded in what I thought was a healthy, supportive relationship, looking to follow my dreams and take a leap of faith. I’m ending the month single, still taking the leap, grounding myself in my Higher Power and my community, and moving closer to what I know will be an adventure. I’m trusting that the Universe needed me to sever all tethers to this life, so I can go see what happens in the next one. And even if I’m on my own, I know I’m not alone. ❤️