Staying Present (Or trying to…)

It’s been almost four weeks since I made the decision to wrap up my law practice, sell my house, and move into my camper van full time. A lot has changed in these four weeks. My things are being sold, gifted, or stored away. My house is slowly emptying. The colors that I carefully chose for my interior walls are gone, as apparently white is what sells. (It’s so sterile and boring!) I’m no longer taking new clients. I am starting to tell existing clients of the transition. And I have one more week to get the house ready before it hits the market.

So ready to hit the road.

(From somewhere near the Sierra Nevadas in August 2021.)

But a lot has not changed. I’m stilling going to the office most days. I still live in my house. Still have access to a hot shower and unlimited running water. I still have homework and papers due for my master’s program (I really should have checked the homework schedule before making my life topsy turvy…). In order to ensure a smooth transition for my firm and clients, I likely won’t be exiting until end of April if not later. So there is a lot of hurry up and wait.

And yet… Last night I managed to give myself a tension headache worrying about the future. For most of my life (the real exception being my drinking), I have been very responsible and have done the “right thing.” Who defined that “right thing”? I don’t really know… but I followed society’s rules and expectations, really without thinking and without questioning. Went to college, when I didn’t get into law school my senior year, I got a job, applied to law school again. After graduation, I started working. I mostly always had a plan. Sure, opportunities came up that I couldn’t have predicted, and I took them. But otherwise, I played it real safe.

It feels like I kept my head down and just kept running. Eleven years later, I finally stopped. Lifted up my head, and was like, “Wait? This is my life? What happened?”

This next step? Not so “safe.” And here is what is stressing me out the most right now: Where I’m going to park the van and sleep at night. This is what kept me up last night, and gave me a headache. Not, whether I will get a job again. Not, will I ever be able to afford a house again. Not any of the other millions of things that I could be (and do) worry about. Nope. I’m worried about parking.

All the amazing places I’ve taken the van. Proof that I will be fine.

I’m tired of worrying, of living in fear. Tired of assuming a scarcity mindset. I’ve tried to be so careful with my life and take the safe path. And yet so much of it is out of my control. Lovers still leave, Loved ones still die. Friends still lose touch. The things I worry about, never actually happen. While the things that do happen, I never thought to worry about.

So I’m going to practice staying present. Today? I don’t have to worry about where to park the van for the night. Today I meet with clients, attend a board meeting, see my parents, and hopefully start writing my paper that is due! That is what my present looks like. Every van trip I’ve ever taken, I’ve always had a safe place to park, amazing people to meet, and adventures galore. I know that. But for today, I’m going to let go of my worry, turn over my fear to my higher power, and enjoy where I am right now. There is so much adventure to be had, I don’t want to go into it with a tension headache.