Leaving when it’s hard, because you care.

I am pretty much an emotional wreck. Although the office is still pretty empty at my firm due to Omnicron and the fact that most people enjoy working from home, I went around telling those I could in person of my plan. I’ve left jobs before. It’s never super easy (okay, sometimes its super easy…), but it’s never been like this.

My law firm is about 90 attorneys, and 150 staff. We are just our one office in Portland, Oregon. I’ve been here for over 7 years. That’s the longest I’ve stayed at one job. It’s a great fucking firm. We all know each other (or we did before all the new hires during the pandemic). We all care about each other. I didn’t think it was possible to do the business of law in a humane way, but this firm does. It’s mostly because this firm is so great, that I finally had to admit that if I’m still miserable practicing law here, being a lawyer just isn’t my thing, because there is just nothing external to “blame” it on anymore.

This firm—these people—have seen me through some shit. Two divorces. Getting sober (even though most did not know that was happening, I would not have been so successful without the stability and support of those that did know). A global pandemic, where the firm did everything it could to not lay anyone off and take care of its people. I went from litigating to estate planning at my supervisor’s suggestion, which was the right move. If I was going to make it as a lawyer, it was going to be as an estate planner. I’m good at it, I have the right people skills for it. And they saw that. And they helped me make the transition. THAT IS NOT NORMAL FOR LAW FIRMS. These folks are different. This culture is different. And I am so fucking grateful.

So it’s emotionally hard to share my decision. Everyone’s reactions have been amazing. So supportive. So proud. And yet, so sad. People have teared up or cried who I never would have thought would. I feel so loved, so seen, so cared for, and so appreciated. And yet, I’m walking away. Because, for once, I want—I need—to trust myself. And know that even though I don’t know what comes next, I need to do it. I need to try.

But/And this is really hard.

Here we go….